Why I don't write

The author of a blog I have been enjoying since her daughter's birth a year and a half ago just announced that she has a book coming out next year. Because I am a bitch, I'm like, "Where the hell's my book?" instead of being happy for somebody else's accomplishment. And there is the small problem of me not actually having had written a book. So.

I have absolutely no self-discipline when it comes to writing, especially when it's writing for "just me." There's also the problem of the extremely high value I place on sleep, to the detriment of just about everything else in my life. I obsess about it, actually. I can't stand the way I feel and function on less than about 7 hours of sleep, and of course with pregnancy I'd like a hell of a lot more than 7 hours. Last night (or early this morning, I guess) Eliza woke up, unable to sleep with a bad cold. I have been up since 3 AM. I guess it's a good thing that all Eliza wants to do is watch TV this morning, because it's all I can do as well. Long story short, I can't get around the anxiety of wanting and worrying about sleep, and thus can't seem to carve out more hours in the day to spend time writing (though of course I can carve out plenty of time for wasting time on Facebook or watching old episodes of Mad Men).

I do not have this problem with running. With running, I wasn't very good when I first started out, so I knew I had to keep at it and devote time to it in order to improve. And when I trained for a marathon six years ago, I knew that I couldn't just show up and pull a 26.2 out of my back pocket. So I spent six months of weekends out running farther than God intended. But writing? Well, unfortunately for me, I've always been told and known that I'm fairly decent at it. Not that I'm Super Shakespeare by any stretch, but I'm not bad and so I 1) let myself off the hook practice-wise and 2) put a ton a pressure on myself when my writing isn't publishable in its first draft.

My problems with writing have hung around me for a long time and I haven't figured out how to deal with them. I have so much resistance to just sucking it up and WRITING. Which is why, you see, I don't have a book deal.

Eliza's Day Out

We took Eliza to A Day Out with Thomas at the Illinois Railway Museum yesterday. The girl was in hog heaven. She loved playing with the "Thomas train tables" and getting the chance to ride on a "real" Thomas. Even though she got a little cranky from the humidity and the crowds, she had a fantastic day. I made a video to commemorate the occasion.

Belly pics

12 weeks-ish:

From That Second Child

Over the weekend, almost 15 weeks:

From That Second Child

I like that I am wearing the same shirt. I should make that a thing.

Dear Baby,

Please don't blame being That Second Child on getting short shrift with my blogging attention. Instead, blame yourself, swimming around inside of me, making me hungry/nauseous/tired/etc. Ninety percent of my absence can be explained due to that. The other ten percent is indeed because you are That Second Child and your sister is Two-with-a-capital-T at the moment. Dealing with her temper tantrums while pregnant has certainly added to the exhaustion.

I am fifteen weeks pregnant today. I am feeling a lot better than I did when I last posted. My nausea is, for the most part, gone, though I am quick to gag when I smell eggs cooking. And your sister eats a lot of eggs. I am still tired, but I am able to nap most days and that helps a lot. But my energy level is somewhat restored and I am grateful for that. Today has been a sleepy day, but it was a busy weekend. We went to Indianapolis to celebrate my friend Marta's little boy's first birthday, and with all the activity and discomfort of sleeping in a new place, I don't think it's too unusual to be sleepy today.

So, I have already started to feel you moving! I didn't expect it so early, but I am pretty confident I felt you for the first time almost two weeks ago. Now I am definitely feeling you fluttering around every few days and it's just the best. Right now it's still so light that I still usually question it, but sometimes when I lay down to sleep at night, I feel you right away, wiggling around. Once you start getting bigger and really letting me have it -- well, I love that. Feeling you move and being able to eat whatever I want are definitely the best parts about being pregnant!

I went to the doctor last week and was able to hear your heartbeat for the first time, too! 155 beats per minute, which still makes me think you are a girl. Are you going to be a happy surprise at the ultrasound in five weeks or just proving your mommy's intuition correct? It doesn't matter either way... we are just so excited to have you coming in to complete our family.

Love,

Mommy