Baptism

Last Sunday Ben and I went to the baptism of my friend Katie's daughter, Kaylee. It was held at her childhood church, in the town where we grew up, and it was a mass specifically held for baptism. There were five other babies besides Kaylee getting baptized that day, and I actually knew two other parents there who were in my high school graduating class.

Watching the service, watching the 8th grade kid I sat next to in Spanish baptizing his second child, a chubby boy, and watching Katie, whom I have known since my sophomore year in high school, baptize her firstborn daughter, it was a shock to realize that my generation has stepped up to take on the mantle of old traditions. Back in 8th grade Spanish the traditions weren't ours to control. But now that we have become parents ourselves, we now have the opportunity and the responsibility to create and uphold what we see The Right Way for our children. It kind of boggles my mind that it is our turn now. Even though by all markers I am very much an adult, I still don't feel old enough to be a homeowner, a mother, a credit card holder. It boggles my mind that I am in a demographic that can do something, except now it seems I am mostly too tired.

In which I bore you with symptoms

The pregnancy fatigue has already set in, and even though I've had a lot I've wanted to write about this week, I've felt too rundown to bother. I haven't been sleeping well since I found out I was pregnant, which is cruel and unusual punishment above and beyond the third trimester insomnia in my opinion, because I'm like, already with this shit? but last night was a lot better, and perhaps I am now just turning the corner to first trimester exhaustion. It is amazing how easily wiped out I feel. I forgot about that. And how quickly I feel my blood sugar depleting and my mood rapidly heading south and need to eat something (that I remember -- there is nothing quite like preggo hunger). I am hoping to keep going to the gym, though I'm certainly not going to push myself, but this week I only got there once.

I had some bloodwork done to confirm the pregnancy and make sure my progesterone levels were okay. I had to supplement with progesterone for the first trimester with Eliza because they were kind of borderline. I got my first set of numbers back today: hCG level is at 555 and progesterone is 22.9 for 16 days post ovulation! For comparison, I also had a blood draw with Eliza at 16DPO and it was 413 and 15ish, respectively. I had another blood draw today and should find out tomorrow what those numbers are... you want the hCG level to double and the progesterone to stay the same or go up.

That's all for now. It's Memorial Day weekend and I hope to have a little more time to rest, and, subsequently, write a little more here.

The perfect mimosa

... and how to make drunk pancakes

Dear Baby,

We found out about you yesterday. You are the line on the left.

I didn't know what to expect this month. As I have had every pregnancy symptom in the book and not actually been pregnant, I chalked up a lot of what I was feeling to my crazy body and rationalized them all out of my mind. Yet, there is always a part of me that holds out some hope that they are in fact genuine. The only real clue I had that you might in fact be here was that I really didn't want the bloody mary I ordered on Sunday when your dad and I were out on our first date in ages. I mostly wanted it because they give you a stick with cheese and olives and sausage that goes in the drink, and those olives were looking mighty fine. But I was a bit averse to the alcohol itself. I didn't say anything to your dad, and yes, champ I am, I finished it right up, but that was the only thing that seemed a bit different.

Yesterday morning I saw a faint line on a test... I knew it was positive, but I didn't think your dad would believe me. So I tested again in the afternoon and there you were, as plain as day. I was excited to tell your dad. When he got home last night I had Eliza in a "Big Sister" shirt that I had purchased for this very occasion a few months back. I put our camera on record as he walked through the door so you would someday be able to see his reaction. Your dad paid no attention to the shirt, but saw the camera immediately and wanted to know why it was on, and then turned it off. He thought that I was just recording Eliza's reaction to him coming home, so he starts play-acting and giving her hugs as I turn the camera back on. On the video, you can hear me asking Eliza, "What does your shirt say?" I asked this about three times. He finally got it almost immediately after he turned the camera off AGAIN. "You're pregnant?" your dad asked, Sherlock Holmes that he is. It was a very typical your-dad reaction, so the video is kind of funny. All of your concerns about wasting batteries descend directly from his genetic material.

We are so excited to welcome you here next winter. As I am already feeling pregnant, I have a good feeling that you are sticking around and making yourself comfy in this (already bloated) womb of mine. Your big sister paved the way for us in terms of what to expect in both pregnancy and parenthood, and while, to be perfectly honest, the next year and a half is figuring in my imagination to be a pretty exhausting one for me, I also know the immeasurable joy and love you are going to bring to our lives. You will make our family complete.

Love,

Mommy

This weather can suck it

IT IS THE MIDDLE OF MAY AND I HAVE MY HEAT ON. I AM DRINKING TEA. I AM WEARING A SWEATER. FUUUUCK.

Quality time

First of all, things are back to normal between Ben and me. We worked through our fight on Friday night, then we were fortunate enough to have my parents come over and watch Eliza while we went out on a date on Sunday afternoon. Let me just say that it's been a while since we sat at a bar. Anyway, all is peaceful in my happy world once more.

I have been thinking a lot about what it means to spend quality time with my daughter lately. She is a lot more independent than she was just a few months ago, so she has gotten a lot better at self-entertaining, and I'm able to get a little bit more done around the house each day. But I'm beginning to wonder if I should still be playing farm whenever she is playing farm, or reading her books when she seems pretty content with just looking through them... the eternal question Is Mom doing enough? shooting through my brain. I mean, I like having a few minutes to skim a magazine at lunch, or the chance to empty the dishwasher while she plays with her trains, but on the other hand, I don't want her to think that she has to play by herself. I'll play with her whenever she wants, but I guess the reason I don't immediately engage all the time is because it's pretty freaking boring. I love her to the moon and back, but Mama's brain turns into porridge at the thought of pushing zoo animals in and out of a tunnel for fifteen minutes. I know there are only like a zillion other stay-at-home-parents who feel this way. I do not claim to be unique.

What do I like doing with Eliza? I like taking her to the grocery store. She's actually really good and we talk and I push the cart fast, etc. I like taking her to our local library for a baby storytime once a week. We both love that. I like taking her on walks, but she has a lot less patience for that than she used to, and walks usually need to be by the train tracks or coupled with a park visit for her. And of course, walking without a stroller tends to be chaotic. I like reading books to her, but reading the same book seven times in a row would grate on the Dalai Lama. And as the weather gets warmer, I know I'll like taking her to the pool, or setting up our inflatable one in the backyard for her. I can't wait for that.

It's hard to stay at home because you so rarely get a glimpse into other people's similar daily lives. How do they manage their days? What could I learn from watching them? We're so isolated nowadays. And I did so much to make those connections by ditching the mom's group! Ha!

Long week

Ben and I are fighting. I'm not going to get into the reasons behind it, but it's been icy here since Monday, and that is a new record for us. He is mad at me. It is discombobulating and scary.

The weather at least has been good. Eliza and I have gone outside and gotten too much sun. It's so fun to have a toddler. Yesterday we went to the park, then walked down to an ice cream shop across the street from the train tracks. We watched the trains go by and had vanilla ice cream with sprinkles.

More another time when I don't feel so off-kilter.

Home alone

Ben and Eliza are out at the park down the street, leaving me a rare empty house. I crave the space and silence, but it's strange how I can never think of anything to do anymore. It's supposed to be Meghan Time, but whenever I'm afforded the peace and quiet I don't do much in the way of my soul. Today I haven't read or sung showtunes (guilty pleasure and so uplifting for me!) or even painted my nails. I straightened up the front room, always a toddler crime scene, and started making dinner. Maybe it's not so much what I do with the space than the simple fact that I have it.

Random thoughts

Because I can't think of anything substantive to write about.

• There is a nest of bunnies in our garden. Except I looked out the window just now and the bunnies are gone. I hope Eliza and I didn't scare them off this morning. I also hope something didn't just eat them. Anyway, I was equally bothered and pleased that bunnies decided to seek shelter in our garden. Bothered because I want them to not eat tomato plants that will be going in soon, and pleased because of course I'm not going to be an asshole and kick them out. Freeloading bunnies.
• Costco at 10 AM on a weekday is a thoroughly pleasant experience, even though they don't have free samples out.
• Eliza can count to 13. I don't even know how she figured that out. She will frequently skip a number or two, but you know what she's doing and it's amazing.
• Also, I have yet to buy the giant box of frozen cream puffs at Costco. BUT I WANT TO EVERY TIME I GO IN THERE. I have also successfully avoided the Giant Pies.
• The weather is all screwed up in this country. Apparently there's a drought in Oklahoma and flooding in southern Illinois. I don't understand why we can just have weather swapsies. This spring has sucked ass.
• I am having dreams that I need to incorporate more of my masculine traits into my consciousness. I don't know what my psyche thinks isn't masculine about getting poop all over your hands when you change a diaper, or read a Dr. Seuss book four times in a row. But seriously, this is giving me food for thought and I'm seeking some more clarity on this issue.
• The death of Osama Bin Laden made me sad. Not that he's dead, I'm thrilled about that and am glad he was killed rather than captured, but I was sad to think about how this one man has so negatively impacted my generation. Of course, our government could have chosen a different course of events, but my generation was dragged into two wars and has struggled economically, in large part to that asshole's actions. What would our lives be like if September 11 never happened? Where would that $3 trillion have gone? To education or green energy or technology? How much smarter would we be?
• I should have bought those cream puffs.

Pain is weakness leaving the body

Finger? What finger? Eliza refuses to let a little amputation slow her down:

From 2011.05.01 Spring big camera

From 2011.05.01 Spring big camera

From 2011.05.01 Spring big camera

From 2011.05.01 Spring big camera