The weather has been amazing here the past few days, and it feels glorious to be able to run and play outside again. I think we are both acclimating our energy levels to this newfound freedom -- Eliza slept in this morning and went down for a nap with little fuss. I am succeeding in wearing her out by taking her outside, but it also wears me out, too. Still, it's fun to be in the fresh air moving around, and I hope to be able to fit in my jeans again. I tried on a pair this morning that I haven't worn all winter, and I'm like, how the hell did my jeans shrink from sitting in my dresser all winter? You know what I'm talking about.
I have a job interview on Sunday. The job is a position that I am extremely qualified for, a step up from a similar previous position and a big leap for me professionally. It's been a very soul-searching journey for me to consider going back to work. I have basically been hemming and hawing over it since I quit my previous position when Eliza was 3 months old. Financially, we are doing okay. Not great, but we get by and don't have any real money worries. So it's always been my choice if I want to return to work or not. I've had the luxury of waiting for the "perfect" job, and in many ways, this job is perfect for me... and I'm now 95% sure I don't want it.
I like staying at home. I always wanted to stay home when I had children, and I'm grateful that I am in a place where I am able to "live the dream," even on the shittiest of days. It has taken me a long time to get over the idea that I need to be going somewhere professionally, that my value is in a paycheck. I am extremely valuable to my family, to my daughter -- though of course on those shitty days it is hard to realize that, and on those days I am perusing the ads on CareerBuilder and assuming that my problems will be solved when I go back to work. But I am much more me, authentically, when I am home. Now, this may just be my propensity towards underemployment, but work has never challenged me in the way that staying home and raising a child has. That's not a knock on working moms at all; for me, there is a tremendous challenge in staying in the moment that being a mother has provided, and that is something that has always proven a struggle. I don't miss office banter or adult interaction (see previous post regarding introverted tendencies). I like being able to be there for all of my daughter's moments. Maybe that's me being a control freak. I don't really care. I'm so happy with my life.
Anyway, don't expect this to turn into a rant on working mothers, because I can completely understand why mothers work, both out of necessity and choice. At this time in my life, and in Eliza's life, it is just not the thing for me. I am grateful I have a choice. I am grateful for asking God for some illumination around my career situation and God gives me this great gift of a "perfect" job. Here is this beautiful cake, Meghan, would you like a bite? Umm, no... think I'll just go back to my salad. But I am going to the interview anyway. I feel I owe it to myself to really explore this and feel completely certain this is not something I want right now. There are a lot of cards stacked against me taking this particular position (loooooong commute, for one), but I am also open to hearing more about the positive potentials of returning to work.
Who knows, I may not be offered the job in the end, anyway. I am one of three finalists for the position, which is a nice wanking for me professionally (and as someone who doesn't get wanked professionally very often, I take my jollies where I can get them), and I just don't feel ready to throw in the towel quite yet. Just saying that I probably will.
Random lulz:
No comments:
Post a Comment